Mamahood Styled


// motherhood //

Becoming a mama has been one of the biggest blessing of my life. I never dreamed of being a mom. I have girlfriends who have made it one of their goals in life. I was ready to always be the Titi to spoil my best girls' babies. Even when I found the love of my life. He even knew that one of his lifetime goals was to become a dad. How beautiful is that? I have always been career-goal-driven. My measures of success have become internalized to be on my education, my career, & stability in life. I could see myself having a family, someday...but it was not in my peripheral.

& then the unfathomable occurred. After eight years of dating, a home of our own, starting to establish our careers, vehicles purchased, a dog, you know, the typical measures of "success," Geoff was diagnosed with Testicular Cancer in its final stages. A story within its own, it was a huge slap in the face. I remember the hurt so vividly- my heart really felt like it was breaking in my chest, while we waited for his surgery to remove the growing, monstrous tumor. I recall the unrecognizable cries that were coming out of me and the feeling of despair, of really feeling that his life on earth could realistically be over. I remember the pain in his mother's eyes and face. But it is not until now, as a mother myself, that I can truly relate to it.

Two weeks after Geoff's surgery, we were told he would be starting highly intensive chemotherapy and the likelihood of him conceiving children was in the single digits to zero. Without hesitation, we decided to try. & guess what? It looked like it had worked! How amazing! Except that it was a false alarm and my body decided it was not ready. & we quietly mourned for a loss that happened so rapidly that we didn't even get a chance to register everything that we had just been through. But we were on a quest of survival for G and all of our focus and energy re-shifted to that.

We got engaged that weekend! We fought for his survival. & he made it through. A year after his last chemotherapy treatment we decided to test him to see if he could become a dad like he always wanted. The test results came back with disheartening news. We stayed focused on each other and got married.

& then, the unimaginable happened a year later. We got pregnant! We were just as in shock as the multiple doctors and midwives that we saw; just as in shock as the loved ones we initially confided in!

& the cards were dealt to us again, as G was diagnosed, again. That wretched ugly monster had reared its head into our lives again and had procreated itself into dozens of tumors in his body. This time we were told he would survive, but his spermatic cord would not- meaning that the miracle of its return, was going to be robbed from him, again...

Which brings us to the miracle that is Oliver and to the topic at hand: motherhood. Becoming a mama has opened my heart and mind to a life that I never imagined, never knew I would yearn so badly for. It is such a rollercoaster. It brings you up and down and all around. Some moments, I'm on top of the world, while others I am full of self-doubt and questioning what I am doing. The one thing I am so assured of is how much love I have for this little human being. It really feels as if my heart is outside of my body, beating and pumping away and enveloping this little creature in all the love I can muster. Yet, it is frustrating and trying as well. It is a give and take; daily testing; expanded patience; every emotion you can muster up balled into one. The most beautiful and amazing experience of my life. I question what I am doing, if I am doing anything right, if I'm messing him up...and despite all of that, I have decided to just LOVE. Just love him hard. Just do all things through love. & have faith that it will all be okay. Because not all mamas get the opportunity to do this. & not all mamas get to repeat it...and some mamas lose their babies...and so, I have to focus on right now, and just. simply. love.

To all the mamas out there, we have got this...just fiercely, passionately, madly, truly, and deeply..and it will all be okay.


  1. Finally was able to check out your blog and read all your posts! Great job, mama. Excited that you decided to blog again. Love you!

  2. Love you! And love so much that we get to do this Momma thing together.


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