amidst the diaper changes, tantrum-soothing, besitos-giving, "am i doing this right?" doubt, there lies the old me. the pre-baby me. the me that swore i never would do this or that. that would never be that parent. i laugh at myself now, because i am a walking contradiction of everything i never thought i'd be. i didn't fantasize about white weddings, a suburban lifestyle and a party of three. but here i am and more times than not, it is difficult to even remember what life was like 19 months ago. has it really only been less than two years? perhaps it's the constant sleep deprivation, the need to not f up, even when i realize on the spot that i am, but old "me," seems so distant and faraway. how ever did i stay up all night and out-drink any grown man? how ever did i party so hard every day of the weekend? how ever was i the social butterfly that was in love with joining groups of friends, so we could be friends, and do it every weekend? [circa puff daddy reference, anyone]? [which again, reminds me of that time in vegas when i got to party with him #truestory]!
the old me who would loudly cheer across the bar to my boyfriend [now husband] that she just saved him money by having the guy next to her buy her a drink....well, that girl is now replaced by this version of me that rarely touches anything but water. whose life revolves around toddler style, themed foods, and minimizing toys in my living room [yes, that is a basketball hoop by the couch, thank you very much]. remember the nevers i used to proudly say?...yeah, f that. sippy cups that last through tantrums, mama playdates, and balancing my career are my new jam.
but this week i have had three instances where i felt like old me. and it felt f'ing fantastic.
two of them including cuddling my baby boy and him not asking to nurse- in the 19 months of his life, i had never experienced that, unless he had fallen asleep on me after nursing and i had managed to get him unlatched without waking.
|our sleeping beauty|
the third was my husband's birthday weekend. i should point out that on his actual birthday evening we were reunited after he was away on business all week. we went out to dinner with his family and we all came home for ice cream cake. well, oliver's new kitchen [you know, to match the rad decor in my living room] came in and we spent the next three hours building that cute thing. to think that a birthday landing on a friday night would typically excite us and we would plan a weekend of celebration and debauchery around it...and here we were. not even having a glass of wine!
|we're so pro, it only took us three hours.|
However, the next night, we went over to our loves' homes. the couple who always joined us out on our past lives. together, we all laughed, sipped on non-water [actually, we all kept multiple water bottles by our sides, at all times], and had one of the best nights eeever. and it felt like old me. but different. because now new me, although not as cool or wild, more boring and reserved, confused and doubtful, is also pretty rad. i do love my life. i love the tight knit, circle of friends that understand and partake in new forms of debauchery. the type of friends who rush through conversations as we are parting in order to make sure we laugh in person, yet hurry back home before we all become pumpkins. which we did. so next time, we start earlier. because these evenings, oh these evenings, are more than meant to be had. so worth it. so needed. so fun.
what do you miss? what do you look forward to?