Mamahood Styled


// ivf //

// i started writing this post in the middle of our two-week wait (end of july-beginning of august) and didn't come back to my blog since. it's hard to look back and feel just like i did when i started typing this unfinished entry //

we are currently in the middle of our two week wait to see if our ivf treatment is a success. even writing the word success makes me feel like i am desperately trying to hold on to every shred of hope my mind and heart can muster. you see, our ivf journey was a positive one from the start. it felt like everything had somehow lined up to make it a one-hit success. the entire process came with a huge learning curve that i somehow managed to understand and now feel pretty well versed in, although there is still a lot to learn. what i have realized with every passing day, is that i want this to work out with every part of my being- more and more with each passing minute of each and every day. not that i didn't at first; but in the beginning, i kept a realistic view of the grand reality that more often than not, the first shot at ivf isn't a success- fertility clinics sell double and triple packages because it's a guessing game with soo many factors- but now, now all i do is pray. i pray hard. i light candles. i ask for help and guidance. i have fallen apart in the last week multiple times, for the first time throughout this process that has been a year in the making. and i am writing to center myself. to be honest with myself. because feeling the devastation i have felt recently, is something i don't want to feel again. so instead, i am hoping that by writing our journey, i will find peace with however the results of this end. and to be honest, i am pretty sure one of our babies implanted. we decided originally not to test at home, but we haaave to. right? ahhhhh, the hope of this!!this has to be it!! in the meantime...

i meant to write a complete IVF FAQ section and document all our pictures because I was sure that despite everything we were going to beat the odds and bring another little miracle into this world. We did pee on a stick and got a light positive- which confirmed what we knew. oliver's intuition further confirmed this and when we finally received our bloodwork, an early miscarriage was confirmed. i guess we were an ivf success- just not completely. and since then, my prayers have become so specific, so so so specific. 

and today, well today i find us on the edge of our seats as we are days away from ivf 2. which wouldn't be possible without the help, support, and motivation from our amazing support system. 
my anxiety has been through the roof this week. i have been so cool, calm and collected as we embark on ivf 2 and now that the time is here, i feel like i can't even breathe. i'm hoping that by writing it all out, i'll feel better. i have some pretty huge fears considering not only what we have been through, but what girlfriends have recently been through. it seems that too many i know (or read about) have recently lost their itty bitty babies. how is that possible? i can't ever find a reason that makes sense to my simple mind.

after being so open and sharing everything about it through social media, i am unsure now, whether i will or not. my main reason for doing so was to create awareness and do a tiny part in helping break the shame that comes with infertility. i found dozens of instagram accounts that were separate from personal accounts- the majority were void of who the person was because they didn't want to share with their friends/family. i didn't get it. why wouldn't you want their support, and let them in? why would you feel ashamed?

and yet, now, i am getting it. it's not that i feel shame. because i absolutely do not. it's that sometimes, your mind is so consumed by your ivf thoughts that you are viewing the world through ivf lenses. and no one else is. i have had a beyond amazing support system. i can never ever ever repay them. and yet recently, i find myself careful about what i say about it. situations in our lives that entice pain are relative. you can hurt for someone else, but in reality, life goes on. we get tired of hearing the same sob story over and over. you get ready to move on. i feel confident in my relationships and know my support system is strong and willing to lift me- but do i want to burden them with that? i don't know. i have no idea. i get glimpses of doubt and such. everyone has their own crosses to carry and to dump this addition to their already heavy plates seems insensitive.

and like i said, i'm sensitive as it is. i will probably never forget miscarrying and the pain that came with it. ivf round 1 was great until it wasn't. and when it wasn't, it was so much pain. my heart goes to the mamas that lose children later. i could never survive that pain. no way. and yet, it doesn't make my loss and pain any easier. yet i'm so blessed with a loving husband (even if he does get on my nerves a lot and i drive him crazy) and a beautiful, wild son who is going through his terrible twos. not a day goes by that i don't thank God for the miracle of their lives. in the midst of frustration, i often stop myself and regroup, thinking how blessed i am to even get to go through that moment. and yet, i have been told soo many times that "at least i have oliver." i know this is coming from a loving place. i do. our situations could always be worse and we tend to find comfort in lessening them.

but really, my son doesn't compare to anyone else, just as another baby of mine wouldn't compare. do moms of multiple babies only hurt for one? it just doesn't make sense. and my son is my everything. our blessing, our miracle. i don't even need to explain more because to think that someone may imply we are not simply satisfied with him....well, that's beyond me. why do parents grow their family? and wouldn't each set of parents be sad if they wanted to but couldn't? it's a completely different situation when you don't have a choice. completely different.

i have so many doubts and fears as we are about to go through with this. i'm silently crying inside and the fact that we have to do this again because i feel weak.  but gosh, above all i have hope. i really do. so so so much hope.

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