// Christmas 2014 //

Christmas 2014 via my camera roll:

Mama and Baby BFFs!

selfies with mama

sushi salad

"mama, buy cookies, all gone! bye bye!"
okay, bubba, sounds good!

lots of cars, trucks, etc. total boys' boy!

tools on tools

besitos while shopping

nana + odcm

opening gifts

auntie sarah, karston and o

happy 10th birthday, honey munster!

stockings

O, HM, and peanut butter

pouches forever

12.25.14

i mean...

gingerbread man cookies lover

Titi Lon

Titi Lon y Titi Anita

Cousin Destiny

Tito

mama + dad-ee

12.24.14 noche buena

the best we could capture of the cousins

arroz con gandules

tamales

nap time after our walk

mami + j

puerto rico + l.a. love

ndb- just eating my oats n eggs

Titi Isa and O

Our loves (mia: mritz)

matching pjs forever

presents with titi squirrel

so much love

he fits right in

these pieces of my heart

uncle e wrestling

uncle e and tio jake

mama + o reindeer

eating proper

tio e teaching o

antlers for titi maritza

antlers for titi marlyna

antlers for titi isa

this picture melts me

titi isa + nino jake

// 23 months //

Age: 
Wah, how are we here? 23 months?! Grateful for my baby's health but wow- already almost 2!  I can't believe it! I really need to start planning his birthday celebration! Eek!
Next month's update will be my last one of this style. From January on, I'm going to Project 52: one photo a week that represents my son.
A few years ago, I started  "Project 365: 365 days of mi vida loca" and only got 1/3 of the way through before I quit. I think this one will be fun!

Stats: 

31.5 lbs.

Activities:
-visiting Nana's neighbors

-watching for the mail man, trash truck, school bus, etc.
-taking pictures: "cheeeeese, mama!"

-jumping, spinning,  dancing
-stealing our phones to talk, take selfies and dial numbers with one finger like he means business!
-accessorizing all of his outfits: he now tells us what he wants to wear.

Moods: 

Oh man, the infamous Terrible Twos have officially begun this month. This boy is sassy, stubborn, and strong-willed. He gets mad and runs to a corner for his own time-out from us! He yells "no!" and tells us "umph!" And he means it. When he gets something stuck in his mind, it is difficult to convince him any other way. Our sweet boy is there, but his stubborn righteousness surpasses it and makes it a pure necessity to be as patient as ever!  

He stretches me to my limits, has me doubt and question my parenting, and forgives me with ease; reminding me to do the same. I adore him for all that he is and all that he will become.

Insists on doing EVERYTHING himself

2 seconds later

Sleep: 

This month has been no different from any prior. Sleep is still extremely difficult to come by at night. He continues to fight it and cries every single night. He attempts to negotiate and even when we give in, he still will find any excuse to not hold his end of the bargain. No sleep is hard!

  New Words: 

Oh, boy. We are in the simple sentences stage and loving it. 

He is able to communicate a lot more with us so much so that when he cannot convey what he means, it leads to lots of frustration from his end. 

He also tells us to go buy things and fix things:

"Mama, cookies? Buy it"

"Mama, broke it? Fix it!"

Okay, Bubba. 

Favorite Foods: 

oh food. he loves it still but only on his accord. meaning, if what we are having does not appease him at that moment, game over. It is extremely frustrating for us. 

But he remains super in love with pizza and whenever he sees any type of flat rectangular/square box, he immediately gets excited and screams "pi-zza!!!" 

Favorite Things: 

his baby

Lobo

Dad-ee

Pushing and pulling items that are way too big for him (strollers and shopping carts)

Airplanes

Trash Cans/Trucks

Mail Carriers

iPhones

Christmas lights/trees

Twinning with Mama

Signature Moves: 

Dancing!

He grabs his knees and shakes his booty!

Telling us he did not poop when he obviously did

every day he drags a chair from the dining room to the kitchen because he refuses to eat in his high chair- awesome. only not. 

fixing everything.

cooking.

He now purses his lips to give kisses and after he says no!

Mommy's Proudest Moment: 

I was planking and Oliver climbed my back. I thought it'd be cool to do push-ups. After the two I was able to muster, I came down to quick and he flipped over my shoulders and landed hard. Oops! still so sorry, dude!!!]

Daddy's Proudest Moment:

Daddy decided to leave Oliver sans-diaper. I told him to hurry as I knew he would pee. Below is Oliver's pee in the span of five minutes. This is NOT all of it. Hahahahaha!

This Month's Highlights:

- the weather become cooler/cold and we got to wear tons of our winter wear! Last year, we didn't get to use any!

-We celebrated Thanksgiving

-we found out Daddy is Cancer-Free!

-We took our Christmas pictures

-We hung out with family

-We went to Sea World

-You hung out with Santa

-We decorated for Christmas

-You had a sleepover with your cousin

-Our friend, Carson stayed the week with us

-We spent another day in San Diego with our friends

-We celebrated Friendsmas &

-We hung out in LA and stayed until Christmas!

(I'll make those pictures a separate post because there are too many)!

// the gift of giving //

i grew up in poverty. it's okay, i mean it. it taught my sisters and i to have a very strong work-ethic and be appreciative for every penny earned, as well as the value of material possessions vs. the things in life that money could never buy. because we knew what it was like to be cold and hungry at times (but always clean and respectful, as my mami taught us), it enabled us to mature a lot sooner than our peers and unfortunately for me, my natural state of putting the weight of the world on my shoulders and wanting to help everyone around me, in a way, robbed my from my childhood. that and the effects of the culture of poverty. anyway, we really, truly, honestly, would not have gotten by without the help of others. whether it was shelters, churches, food donations, toy donations, i mean, my goodness. we were helped SO much. we wouldn't be where we are today unless we had received help from others. and ever since i could remember, even what we got, we were taught to share it with others in need.

i specifically remember taking a shopping cart to a mission in new york. i must have been about four or five years old. it was frigid and snow was melting on the streets as we stepped on it. i remember the cold on my fingertips...and then i recall that shopping cart getting filled with lots of food. lots of food that fed us for days.

i remember living in a tiny studio apartment and it having the tiniest hallway of a kitchen. and the cupboards were filled with teeny tiny ants. and we were eating top ramen and it had ants in it...but too many to pick out, so we ate it that way. haha, i know it sounds gruesome but it really wasn't. it simply was life. please don't wince.

i remember one christmas my mom and dad (the amazing man who decided to take us all as his own when i was in 6th grade), making arrangements to get us christmas presents. they both left in the middle of the night and my mom came back for us at 4-5am. then we rode the mta bus to downtown l.a. and stood in the cold, chill of dawn for hours in a long line of people, where my dad was holding our spot. eventually, everyone started cheering- arnold schwarzenegger drove by waving, dressed as santa. we stood in line to meet this particular santa and have him give us a gift. it was one of the most memorable christmases for me. so yes, when we ran for governator, i had a small piece of my heart skip a beat because of his kindness and generosity.

i could go on and on about this but the point of this is that i love giving. now as an educated professional, giving back is such a huge part of my life. whether it's to my own family, my friends (and their babies), to volunteering. i am a huge believer of paying it forward. always.

now that i have my own son, it is so important that he learns the importance of giving back and not relying on material possessions for happiness. i pray he will never experience the hardships my family and i did, and yes, i probably overcompensate as a result of it. nevertheless, it is our tradition to always give back. & the holiday season lends itself to such a beautiful time to do it.

we love volunteering at the local food bank & mission, donating, and going to the christmas trees at the fire department to shop for another child. we did all these things last year, and this year, since it is his first year with toys already in his possession, we are going to incorporate donating toys he already has.

what are your favorite charities or places to donate?
give me ideas!
let's get together and give time + things together!

// infertility //

i should preface this with this:

to all my loves who haven't known what to say, haven't asked, or have asked and haven't known how to pursue the following topic of conversation, please do not worry. shoot, i still have no idea what i would say to someone else nor what i think, myself. 

but hey, i'm not pregnant so let's have a glass of wine together, yeah?

it's been almost a month since we had our impromptu yet long awaited fertility specialist appointment and i still haven't been able to gather my thoughts on it.

i do know i silently feel like i am grieving a loss that was never there to begin with. and i do not know that i am strong enough to actually go through with a 40-90% loss. sure, i've handled plenty of hardships in my life. poverty, abuse, my husband going through cancer twice, being already told we couldn't have babies, then getting miraculously pregnant and then being told that perhaps something was wrong with our tiny miracle. but god, oh, his mysterious ways have always been on my side. throughout everything that has happened in my life, he has made sure i survive.

& i fight tediously to do so. every day is a struggle. every day presents me with two routes: one where i could fall victim to all the hardships i have faced, and the other where i could choose happiness. and as much as i try to choose happiness, some days, happiness does not choose me. i stopped working out for two weeks- which is a passion of mine, my therapy...i haven't taken a break of consistent working out in two years. that's when i, myself, realized i was avoiding feeling anything about this.

& so this last month has been a tug-o-war with my emotions. drowning out negative self-talk, becoming numb, and then realizing i'm a step closer to exploding. i'm not sure what i think. do i really want another baby? the first few months were the hardest ever with oliver and nursing. like really, really bad. and my child still fights going to sleep at night. can i add another to that mix? i never yearned for babies...but then oliver came and turned my world upside down in the most chaotic yet beautiful way. he is my world, my everything. along with his daddy. and i am so perfectly content with my two miracle men.... but now i see how much oliver thrives being around babies and other children. could i try to give him a sibling- a ride or die- someone who will undoubtedly fight with him but love him unconditionally? the person who will stand at his wedding and gather everyone for a toast? the person who will share secrets for life with him and only understand what it's like to have g & i as their parents? what if geoff and i leave this earth? sure, oliver will be loved, but who will love him just as much back? who will understand him? oh mamahood, what you do to me...

so here we are. unsure with what step to take next and when to take it. the process is long and tedious for ivf. we could attempt iui but our chances are a mere 10%. ivf makes much more sense to the specialists. the cost does not make sense to me. there's this tiny part of me that almost doesn't want to face the reality because i fear i will fall victim to the woe-me pity party. why should we have to time and pay for a baby? why can't we just have one like the majority of people around us? & then get consumed by everyone's big(ger) families and the relationships on tv shows amongst siblings and parents. but i can't think that way. i refuse to truly allow myself to. i know god will only give me as much as i can handle. i know that if it's meant to be it will. i know that if there's a will there's a way. i get it...but i don't. the uncertainty of going through so many fertility treatments and soo much money and then it literally being a 50/50 toss up on whether or not we would have a successful pregnancy. ahhh. too much for my little heart to handle. and as i sit here avoiding feeling all of this, time is just ticking us by. it's incessantly moving at a rapid pace that robs us from today and already has us preparing for tomorrow.

if i could naturally have babies would i?
would i do it now?
if money was no option would i go for ivf?


shit. i think i just realized my own answer...

p.s. can i quickly state that i am forever grateful for the miracles that are my husband and son!!! if god's plan is for us to be a family of three then i am forever happy and settled. it's the uncertainty of a possibility of extending our family. when i heard we had a 10-60% chance of conceiving through fertility treatments, i felt like someone punched me hard in the stomach. i much rather had a 0% chance or a 90% chance than a toss up. but yes, forever and ever and even more grateful for my boys. seriously!
also, thank god for our little frozen sperm that maybe one day will be older siblings to O.... ;)
also, f you, cancer.