// infertility //

i should preface this with this:

to all my loves who haven't known what to say, haven't asked, or have asked and haven't known how to pursue the following topic of conversation, please do not worry. shoot, i still have no idea what i would say to someone else nor what i think, myself. 

but hey, i'm not pregnant so let's have a glass of wine together, yeah?

it's been almost a month since we had our impromptu yet long awaited fertility specialist appointment and i still haven't been able to gather my thoughts on it.

i do know i silently feel like i am grieving a loss that was never there to begin with. and i do not know that i am strong enough to actually go through with a 40-90% loss. sure, i've handled plenty of hardships in my life. poverty, abuse, my husband going through cancer twice, being already told we couldn't have babies, then getting miraculously pregnant and then being told that perhaps something was wrong with our tiny miracle. but god, oh, his mysterious ways have always been on my side. throughout everything that has happened in my life, he has made sure i survive.

& i fight tediously to do so. every day is a struggle. every day presents me with two routes: one where i could fall victim to all the hardships i have faced, and the other where i could choose happiness. and as much as i try to choose happiness, some days, happiness does not choose me. i stopped working out for two weeks- which is a passion of mine, my therapy...i haven't taken a break of consistent working out in two years. that's when i, myself, realized i was avoiding feeling anything about this.

& so this last month has been a tug-o-war with my emotions. drowning out negative self-talk, becoming numb, and then realizing i'm a step closer to exploding. i'm not sure what i think. do i really want another baby? the first few months were the hardest ever with oliver and nursing. like really, really bad. and my child still fights going to sleep at night. can i add another to that mix? i never yearned for babies...but then oliver came and turned my world upside down in the most chaotic yet beautiful way. he is my world, my everything. along with his daddy. and i am so perfectly content with my two miracle men.... but now i see how much oliver thrives being around babies and other children. could i try to give him a sibling- a ride or die- someone who will undoubtedly fight with him but love him unconditionally? the person who will stand at his wedding and gather everyone for a toast? the person who will share secrets for life with him and only understand what it's like to have g & i as their parents? what if geoff and i leave this earth? sure, oliver will be loved, but who will love him just as much back? who will understand him? oh mamahood, what you do to me...

so here we are. unsure with what step to take next and when to take it. the process is long and tedious for ivf. we could attempt iui but our chances are a mere 10%. ivf makes much more sense to the specialists. the cost does not make sense to me. there's this tiny part of me that almost doesn't want to face the reality because i fear i will fall victim to the woe-me pity party. why should we have to time and pay for a baby? why can't we just have one like the majority of people around us? & then get consumed by everyone's big(ger) families and the relationships on tv shows amongst siblings and parents. but i can't think that way. i refuse to truly allow myself to. i know god will only give me as much as i can handle. i know that if it's meant to be it will. i know that if there's a will there's a way. i get it...but i don't. the uncertainty of going through so many fertility treatments and soo much money and then it literally being a 50/50 toss up on whether or not we would have a successful pregnancy. ahhh. too much for my little heart to handle. and as i sit here avoiding feeling all of this, time is just ticking us by. it's incessantly moving at a rapid pace that robs us from today and already has us preparing for tomorrow.

if i could naturally have babies would i?
would i do it now?
if money was no option would i go for ivf?


shit. i think i just realized my own answer...

p.s. can i quickly state that i am forever grateful for the miracles that are my husband and son!!! if god's plan is for us to be a family of three then i am forever happy and settled. it's the uncertainty of a possibility of extending our family. when i heard we had a 10-60% chance of conceiving through fertility treatments, i felt like someone punched me hard in the stomach. i much rather had a 0% chance or a 90% chance than a toss up. but yes, forever and ever and even more grateful for my boys. seriously!
also, thank god for our little frozen sperm that maybe one day will be older siblings to O.... ;)
also, f you, cancer.