// #oliverawr #odcmturnsthree //

I have to be honest, I absolutely love a themed party! I try to theme out pretty much everything, from dinners, to girls' nights in, to any party we ever throw. My husband is probably glad we have a son now because before, every single holiday meant home decor + all of his meals matched the theme. haha! During year two of his precious life, Oliver has been obsessed with dinosaurs, watching shows, reading books, visiting the Peewie Herman Dinos in the desert multiple times, learning facts about them, etc. There is something to precious about a two year old explaining the different between carnivores and herbivores! He had been saying he wanted a dino party for months and with everything we have been recently going through, his birthday crept up on us and before I knew it, it was one week away and I had done zero for him. We decided at the last minute to throw him a get together. I tried to keep things simple (especially since after last year's
CAMP OLIVER #ODCMTURNSTHREE
I went massively all out) but my last minuteness didn't help! Ultimately, Oliver LOVED everything and is still talking about all the details, which usually go unnoticed. Our friends were so complimentary and the littles seemed to really enjoy themselves. There's something awesome about receiving a text later that night with parents thanking YOU for tiring out their happy babes. 

The night before Oliver's birthday, Geoff's phone finished breaking and we ran to Verizon to upgrade 15 minutes before they closed! So the next morning (after I had stayed up until 5am to finish major crafts), I had a new phone with zero contacts. My amazing friends ended up taking over 500 pictures for us- I am so grateful! These are just a snapshot of Oliver's Bash! 

These dino necklaces were a hit, especially with the adults! Wish I would have kept one!

We DIYed fossils- which was so fun!

Nino Jake and O

Titi Isa and O

Our amazing midwife/friend Susie teaching the babes how to make volcanoes

These cuties! Missing a few! 

aftermath! Make a Volcano, Tattoo, and Coloring Stations

nana and O

Special thanks to everyone who made this possible! From Momma, Poppa and Titi Sarah who came over to help us craft and came early to help us run around, to Titi Yuky who let us borrow stuff the night before, to Mama and Tito and Destiny who drove through the night to arrive at 5am that morning, to Titi Mayra who flew in fron Austin the one weekend she would be with her husband and woke up early to help me set-up, to Titi 'ayna and Titi Isa and Nino Jake who started driving at 5am to make it on time and took all these pictures and played with Oliver until the end of the night all while putting in effort to get to know my Mom, to Titi Becca and Tio Steven who brought the littles in between busy soccer games to celebrate O, to Titi Anita and Tio Irving who drove from Phoenix, to Linda and Elle who put in so much effort to participate and be present, to the Cheatwoods, Cris and Andrew, the Rhoads, the Buchanans, the Guzmans, the Lachicks, Nana, Andrew, Ale, Karston...and everyone else who really wanted to come but couldn't make it!!! this day wouldn't have been what it was without you!!! We love you each so much and are so grateful that you love Oliver!!!

// miscarriage gratitude //

 we had our chemical pregnancy during our first round of ivf (that's when you get a positive on a pregnancy test at home but your pregnancy never progresses past that and you have an early miscarriage). Chemical pregnancies are extremely common and most women don't even know they are having them and just think they are having a heavier cycle that month. mine was the heaviest of my life and it felt like it would never end. we grieved SO hard for that loss. I mean, it was so so so hard. it also was our first ever IVF, we had banked so much on that very first cycle and were just SO sure it would work. it was most definitely a devastating time in our lives. and yet when i fill out paperwork at the doctor's office, i never know how to answer "number of pregnancies." does my chemical pregnancy count if it just was an embryo that barely attached? there was never a baby on an ultrasound, there was never the opportunity for a heartbeat.
this miscarriage felt way more legit because we got to see our itty bitty baby, we got to see the flicker of its heartbeat. and my miscarriage was SO different. did you know you actually go into labor?? i had NO idea- no one warned me. you actually have contractions, it's insane. but it wasn't as bad as i thought it would be. i passed some on a thursday, and the rest on friday. and then that was the worst of it. my doctor says my body must have absorbed most of it. i went in for a full exam one week post miscarriage and my hcg levels were at 63. the last time we had checked, they were in the thousands so i think we are on track. i have this very specific pain and my doctor thinks it can be a cyst that would take care of it on its own. later this week, i am supposed to go in for more blood work. i may wait until after oliver's birthday. the news could be good or bad and i don't want to depend on those results for my happiness. he is my happiness.



late last night, a girlfriend tagged other mamas and myself
in a social media post for mamas who are grieving a loss. i thought it was so sweet and was surprised to see my name in this handful of names. after grieving and being mad all weekend, this stopped me in my tracks. i am a grieving mom...i went back to sleep and woke up later and couldn't get this thought out of my head. i went back to the tagged post and looked at the other names tagged, wondering what their stories are. i clicked on the first name and my heart stopped. after a beautiful and uneventful pregnancy, her baby was born with a heart defect. at 6 months, he went in for a routine surgery, and had complications and passed away. just like that. her pictures went literally from a casual walk, to devastation. the second mama, her baby was born with its brain and skull underdeveloped. their baby girl died 6 hours after birth. the next mama had her little girl for two years before she passed away. the girlfriend who originally tagged me, her baby boy had complications and for months they fought for his life, until he went to Heaven. I felt like a joke. my story does not even begin to compare to the real grief these mamas have faced and face on a daily nonstop basis.

i truly feel that God intervened last night. i believe he took the steps to make me realize that yes, my situation is not ideal but it saved me from so much pain- pain that i would not be able to handle in the future. it gave me solace in believing that my baby was taken away so early because God is protecting us from the extreme grief that i would otherwise felt. i do question why we even got pregnant. perhaps it was to remind me that i am still capable. perhaps it was to remind me what it feels like. only He knows. and all my anger, albeit justified, started to melt away with last night's post. and instead, i am grateful.

i am grateful to have had the ability to get pregnant.
i am grateful for that secret experience to bring my husband and i closer together.
i am grateful to have been able to see our little tiny baby on the screen 1.5 times.
i am grateful to have miscarried naturally and not need a dreaded d&c.
i am grateful my miscarriage happened only while i was not at work.
i am grateful it wasn't as painful as i had read.
i am grateful that my levels started to go down (and hopefully will continue to do so).
i am grateful that i was numb and in denial for a few weeks because normally, i would be a depressed mess.
i am grateful that God showed me mercy and avoided additionally devastation if this pregnancy would have continued.

i spent the last couple of days begging God for a sign of whether or not we should try again. i begged for a clear sign to say yes. i begged for this desire to become a mother again to be taken away if it is not in our plan. and although, i don't think i have yet to receive one in either direction, i am grateful that i was shown how much worse my situation could be and helped start to bring my out of my anger.

i am frustrated. i am sad. my heart is weak. but i know we will be okay.

p.s. i think it goes without saying how grateful i am for my son and husband, right? ;) i write that because recently, i have felt very guilty. i would say "made feel guilty" but only i can control how someone makes me feel. i love and am obsessed with my son. not a day goes by that i don't thank God for the miracle of his life. and geoff, wow. my boys are my life. but i shouldn't be judged for wanting another baby. because if we weren't dealing with this aftermath of cancer, this monster of infertility that is robbing us of so much, well, i would be the average mom trying to grow her family. and no one tells a mama that she shouldn't have more than one child, right? no one tells a mother who has more than one child, and loses one, that at least she has the other(s), right?

#foodforthought

// angel baby //

i've spent the last few weeks feeling numb. not truly internalizing that our IVF/FET actually worked and then didn't.

i have looked at the bright side of this heavy situation, realizing that it is best for this little baby to go to Heaven now, rather than later, if this was going to be the outcome regardless.

i have found comfort in knowing that two "okay" embryos remain on ice- little snowflakes that may have our baby- just waiting to come home.


i officially passed our baby in two parts, on thursday, january 7th and friday, january 8th, 2016. i was told our baby's heart had stopped beating on saturday january 2nd. the last time we got to see our baby was on december 20th. at that appointment, we were told we had a more than 50% chance of our baby's then faint heartbeat continuing. our family and son were waiting for us at disneyland that day. so the numbness set in. we had yet told anyone our happy secret. we had planned on recording the heartbeat on these cute little heart recorders we had purchased and gifting them on christmas (since we were hosting) to both sides of our families. instead, we put smiles on our faces and walked around disneyland numb; using all of our strength to push forth and enjoy our family and son. we had imagined taking a picture with our ultrasound on the happiest place on earth, feeling the happiest. we returned home and had to get our house ready to host. we welcomed everyone for christmas, carrying heavy hearts and bright smiles on our faces. at christmas eve prayer, oliver led us, saying "dear God, please help my baby sister grow in mommy's tummy." everyone repeated the prayer not realizing his specific words and we stood shocked, with tears filling the brim of our eyes.

we eventually told our families, friends, and finally updated on social media. we have been so transparent about our journey- primarily in hopes of breaking the silent stigma attached to infertility and loss. it has been amazing, beyond amazing, to not only receive support, but also to be there for others who fight this battle silently. it has also been hard to receive constant advice (although 99% of it comes from a positive place), it also is often times, unsolicited and insensitive. but i also know that this comes from not knowing what to say, trying to help and remedy our situation, and the unknown of infertility. 99% of the time, i shrug it off because i know most people mean well. the 1% is when i am made feel guilty over wanting another child; when i am told that i should feel a certain way; when others' issues are used to compare and there is an apparent transference occurring. but again, i signed up for this by being this open about it.

which ended up being a breath of fresh air during this last cycle. there was just us. me and him. and oliver. and the intimacy that we created in a very non-intimate part of our lives. the labs, the ultrasounds, the check-ups, the long drives...it became just for us. and it brought us closer together.

we started testing at home 6 days after transfer- getting positives that darkened each day. it was amazing. at our first clear, digital positive, we both fell to our knees, prayed, and thanked God with tears streaming down our cheeks. it was the happiest day. we decorated for christmas that evening, feeling beyond blessed and grateful. for the first time, i felt free. i told geoff that night that i felt like i had had a bottle of wine. it felt so good. and then, our world was turned upside down.

i guarded my heart, i think. i knew the reality would hit me soon. and then it did. this last weekend, it hit me hard and sudden. i felt angry. i felt depressed. i felt heartbroken. i felt used. i felt judged. i felt like this is unjust and unfair. i felt bitter. i felt resentment. i felt mean and negative.

i still feel raw. but i so desperately want to move forward. i want to fully grieve and move on. i don't want to be mad and questioning.

i am asking God to simply show me the way. i want Him to show me what steps i should take next. i want Him to take away this strong desire to become parents again if it's not in His plan for us.

So much want. It makes me feel so needy and selfish. I am searching for my inner peace and guidance. I pray I find it soon.

// ivf round 2 fail //

to say we are heartbroken is an understatement. it doesn't make sense in our minds and hearts how we are sacrificing so much and going through what feels like extreme measures, to again, not have ivf work for us a second time in a row.

i found this today 12.9.16 from a month a half ago when our cycle failed and i guess i didn't hit post.