// angel baby //

i've spent the last few weeks feeling numb. not truly internalizing that our IVF/FET actually worked and then didn't.

i have looked at the bright side of this heavy situation, realizing that it is best for this little baby to go to Heaven now, rather than later, if this was going to be the outcome regardless.

i have found comfort in knowing that two "okay" embryos remain on ice- little snowflakes that may have our baby- just waiting to come home.


i officially passed our baby in two parts, on thursday, january 7th and friday, january 8th, 2016. i was told our baby's heart had stopped beating on saturday january 2nd. the last time we got to see our baby was on december 20th. at that appointment, we were told we had a more than 50% chance of our baby's then faint heartbeat continuing. our family and son were waiting for us at disneyland that day. so the numbness set in. we had yet told anyone our happy secret. we had planned on recording the heartbeat on these cute little heart recorders we had purchased and gifting them on christmas (since we were hosting) to both sides of our families. instead, we put smiles on our faces and walked around disneyland numb; using all of our strength to push forth and enjoy our family and son. we had imagined taking a picture with our ultrasound on the happiest place on earth, feeling the happiest. we returned home and had to get our house ready to host. we welcomed everyone for christmas, carrying heavy hearts and bright smiles on our faces. at christmas eve prayer, oliver led us, saying "dear God, please help my baby sister grow in mommy's tummy." everyone repeated the prayer not realizing his specific words and we stood shocked, with tears filling the brim of our eyes.

we eventually told our families, friends, and finally updated on social media. we have been so transparent about our journey- primarily in hopes of breaking the silent stigma attached to infertility and loss. it has been amazing, beyond amazing, to not only receive support, but also to be there for others who fight this battle silently. it has also been hard to receive constant advice (although 99% of it comes from a positive place), it also is often times, unsolicited and insensitive. but i also know that this comes from not knowing what to say, trying to help and remedy our situation, and the unknown of infertility. 99% of the time, i shrug it off because i know most people mean well. the 1% is when i am made feel guilty over wanting another child; when i am told that i should feel a certain way; when others' issues are used to compare and there is an apparent transference occurring. but again, i signed up for this by being this open about it.

which ended up being a breath of fresh air during this last cycle. there was just us. me and him. and oliver. and the intimacy that we created in a very non-intimate part of our lives. the labs, the ultrasounds, the check-ups, the long drives...it became just for us. and it brought us closer together.

we started testing at home 6 days after transfer- getting positives that darkened each day. it was amazing. at our first clear, digital positive, we both fell to our knees, prayed, and thanked God with tears streaming down our cheeks. it was the happiest day. we decorated for christmas that evening, feeling beyond blessed and grateful. for the first time, i felt free. i told geoff that night that i felt like i had had a bottle of wine. it felt so good. and then, our world was turned upside down.

i guarded my heart, i think. i knew the reality would hit me soon. and then it did. this last weekend, it hit me hard and sudden. i felt angry. i felt depressed. i felt heartbroken. i felt used. i felt judged. i felt like this is unjust and unfair. i felt bitter. i felt resentment. i felt mean and negative.

i still feel raw. but i so desperately want to move forward. i want to fully grieve and move on. i don't want to be mad and questioning.

i am asking God to simply show me the way. i want Him to show me what steps i should take next. i want Him to take away this strong desire to become parents again if it's not in His plan for us.

So much want. It makes me feel so needy and selfish. I am searching for my inner peace and guidance. I pray I find it soon.