Confession

My entire life I wanted two boys. I grew up with only sisters and a mom and it was DRAAAAMA! I didn't want to go through the craziness that girls are, so I have always said I wanted boys. Once I found out I was miraculously pregnant, the craziest thing happened. All I wanted was a baby girl. A litte girl I can teach to be strong, independent, intelligent, a go-getter in life without the drama. A little girl with good self-esteem and a willingness to help others. Enough selflessness to be aware of those around her and enough determination to reach her goals, big or small, and never ever believe that she couldn't achieve them. One night, I vividly dreamed of the day I would decide to paint her little toddler nails...a bright crimson to match her vivid life and personality! We would have an amazing relationship and I would be able to give her all the love, encouragement and motivation I never had. I, inevitably, started envisioning her nursery. A crystal chandelier here, put aside ornate frames, the diamond and Spanish barbie doll and the Gwen Stefani dolls I had collected, haha...Yet all this hoping and planning happened in mere minutes in my mind. It's crazy how our minds work, right? You go through an entire lifespan in seconds. Yet, those minutes brought me joy. I immediately knew it was silly and wishful thinking because I was going to have a boy. I just felt it. No, I'm not psychic. Yes, there's only a 50% chance of this prediction being correct, but my feeling was so strong. I kept telling Geoff, "I feel bad wanting a girl so bad, because I know we are having a boy."

The Chinese Birth Calendar claimed it was a girl. The conception date claimed a girl. The rapid heartbeats of anywhere between 178-155 claimed it was a girl. Two of the doctors we saw predicted girl. One was SO sure. Geoff started believing it was a girl. I refused to let myself get excited. But I couldn't get that silent, persistent wishful thought out of my mind.

Then around 13 weeks came around and my midwife asked if we were going to want to know the gender. "Not until it's 100% sure," I told her. I already was planning a gender reveal party for the following month (this weekend, actually) and had chosen the ultrasound place in San Diego. She exclaimed, "Well, there's nothing to wait for, you're having a Miracle Baby Boy!!!" I smiled, while holding Geoff's hand and she went through and pointed out the proof, over and over. She printed out DOZENS of pictures for us and labeled each one. I was in shock. We exited the office, Geoff walked me to my car and I broke down and started sobbing like I was grieving. I was so ashamed to feel this way. Our baby is a miracle...a REAL miracle. Yes, I am aware that ALL babies are miracles, but seriously, this baby is beyond. A true gift that medically, was/is not supposed to be here. What right do I have to feel this way, to react this way? I have felt like such a horrible person. The absolute opposite of what a mother-to-be should be. Geoff seemed bummed, too, but more worried for me. He has ALWAYS wanted to be a dad. and a husband. He's one of those guys that is just meant to be....
I, on the other hand,...being a wife...being a mother...not really in my close horizon. Career and education drove my existence. But this baby, gave me the vision of being a mom. Except, to a little girl.

I felt depressed. Half because I wanted to not feel this way and just celebrate this precious life. & the other half because I was grieving the loss of my split-second, made-up fantasy of what motherhood would be like for me. The one shot we would have at naturally conceiving. I am forever grateful that I am getting the opportunity to create life that I honestly thought I wouldn't get to experience with my husband. I really am. But I couldn't find the ecstatic nature I knew for sure I would have if it was a little girl. We decided to go to one of the fancy offices with high tech equipment and overpay to confirm the gender....Still a boy.... Now more convinced than ever.

Meanwhile, a lot of people around me were so self-assured we were having a boy. So sure of themselves, it was annoying. I cringed and it tugged at my heart every time someone would tell us. Then there started to be more people telling us they thought it was a girl....& my heart bonded with them. I started hearing more and more about friends of ours or people around us who kept having babies in hopes of the gender they wanted. Without us sharing what we felt, our baby's gender, they would explain how they cried for months or didn't fall in love until they met their baby. Psychologically crazy, but honest and raw. It made me really sit down and evaluate why I was feeling the way I was.

Then one night it hit me...hard. As I sat across from Geoff's hospital bed in his 10 day stay after an intensive 8+ hour surgery with major complications, I realized why I was so sad and terrified to have a little boy. Why my idea of having a little boy my entire life changed to a precious little girl. I know what it is like to sit across your spouse and be his main caregiver in the toughest of times. I know what it's like to feel like your soulmate is not going to make it. I can vividly channel in the pain that is felt to see your everything start to depreciate and crumble physically and mentally in front of your eyes. It is a position, a situation I would never wish upon anyone. And unfortunately, I know what it's like to feel that twice. Your whole world turned upside down and you find yourself griping for air when you're alone because in front of the world, in front of him you must be strong. You must hold it together, be positive and happy because there is no other choice that we have given ourselves. I know what it's like to a be a girlfriend, a wife, a best friend, a soulmate seeing her everything almost die. & even see a part of them die in front of you...and now...with a little boy...OUR little boy...there will be a possibility that I may experience this as a mother...

Through all of this there is a constant question that each doctor and nurse asks as they try to understand why this patient is so sick at such a young age, multiple times...."Does Cancer run in your family?" And we always reply "Not at all."

& now it does...

The family we are creating, our little miracle family...well, now, this Monster runs in it. A horrible, threatening, cruel, unforgiving beast that can pop up at any given time, as it has, now twice in our own lives...and this originating Cancer...well, yes, there are various kinds...but this one is specific to males. Testicular Cancer...

I finally understand why my visions of pigtails and nail polish replaced those of a little man. Because our little man is now suceptible to this wretched disease. Because even though it is not healthy to live your life terrified, I don't want our little boy to have that in his future. There's nothing set in stone that he will also get this horrid beast. But the possibility now exists. Just like Geoff getting Type I Diabetes when he was a little boy and his siblings not. Just like that...No, I don't plan on living my life in constant paranoia and fear..but right now, at this moment, can you blame me?

When this finally hit me, and when Geoff confirmed those were his biggest fears, too...well, it was a hard night for us. I know, we know, our baby boy will be amazing. I've always said the world needs more Geoffs. He is so amazing, sweet, kind, funny and intelligent. Our little boy gets to be like his father. His first hero will be the first man I ever truly believed in wholeheartedly. He will, hopefully, acquire all the amazing attributes his Daddy possesses. I can still teach him everything I wanted to. I can still give him everything I didn't have. & for once in my life, I can teach a little boy since birth how to grow up and become the man I never had in my life as a child. This I am positive and sure about. Wholeheartedly.

We have an amazing journey ahead of us, but also a terrifying one. I am so blessed and honored to be given the opportunity to carry our Miracle Baby. I pray every single day, throughout my day, that this baby is healthy and leads a healthy life. I am scared, vulnerable and frightened to the core. I know I am happy. Yesterday, when we shared the news, I thought it would help me get more excited and thrilled since this is our amazing reality. I did for a little bit and then I went ahead and felt sad again. I'm sure all these hormones attribute to this, though. Geoff suggested I talk to my friends about this....and so here I am divulging my most raw emotions in writing...

Overall, I am so blessed and happy for this baby. I am working hard everyday to not let the fear that has been consuming me lately overshadow the beauty of this all. We get a Jefe, Jr. We even are pretty sure we named him, and that has helped SO much to be able to call him by his name. I know our bonding will grow more and more as Geoff heals and we can focus on our Miracle Baby...Boy... :]
I just know it. I cannot wait until I'm holding this precious boy in my arms and feel that I can protect it from anything that comes our way...

So I leave you with my raw and humbling confession & hope that if anyone has ever felt this way (hopefully for not as serious reasons as these), can supportively understand and empathize.